Navigating Conflict… Better!

Rehana Tejpar and Natalie Abdou

We want to talk about conflict. We’ve been noticing a surge in clients reaching out for conflict mediation, conflict resolution, conflict training…It seems that conflict and opportunities to work through it in more generative ways, is everywhere. Let’s face it — conflict is a fact of life. And yet so few of us have developed skills for navigating it constructively. We often situate conflict as something bad, a problem to avoid or solve, something we need to get rid of. And we get it — being in conflict can feel so hard. It can bring up so much discomfort and fear, and lead to rupture and separation which is painful. At the same time, not only can we not avoid it, but we know it has the potential to be transformative, a master teacher that can reveal and bring us closer to ourselves and others. Because of the prevalence of conflict (its everywhere!) and its potential, we’re excited about learning to conflict better; a skill we can all use so that when conflict arises, we can breakthrough instead of breakdown.

This article is a dialogue between us — Rehana Tejpar and Natalie Abdou — two lead facilitators at Bloom Consulting who are also dear friends. As you read, we invite you to notice — What reflections come up for you? How were you raised to navigate conflict? How would you like to show up in moments of conflict? As always, we welcome you to share your reflections, insights and feedback with us.

Rehana: Natty! I think it’s hilarious that you and I are writing an article together on conflict transformation, because you and I can get into conflict from time to time. And we love each other of course, we’re in so many parts of each other’s lives, and we work well together. We even support groups to navigate conflicts — pretty successfully too! And throughout, we have moments where we bump up against each other, get under each other’s skin, activate one another even. And yet, we always come back to the table and work it through and come out on the other side with more understanding, love and compassion. It’s almost as if, by design, we’ve been brought together to live into this learning about conflict, ourselves and to really practice slowing down to transform it. I think the groups we work with can feel that groundedness and authenticity in our practices, and it makes a difference.

Natty: For sure — we have certainly had to find ways to slow down together and learn to be in conflict in fruitful ways — finding a way through rather than avoiding it or getting stuck. I feel this has kept us humble when doing this work with other folks, as we appreciate that conflict is a natural and inevitable part of life and relationships, and we empathize with how much work it takes to have presence and patience with ourselves and others in order to navigate it in a good way.

We do share a lot of similarities and differences and are both passionate, which I think is why we get into conflict — and is why I think many people and groups get into conflict! They care about something, they each have desires they want met and these desires end up bumping up against each other. Add some inherent misunderstandings, misinterpretations and assumptions and it is a perfect catalyst for conflict. Then we often become rooted in our oppositional stances, bound by dichotomies of right and wrong, that lead us to gridlocks and breakdowns.

We all have different ways of moving and being in the world and conflict often illuminates these differences. You and I have had to grow into learning how to get more curious about one another — to ask questions, listen and seek clarity rather than create stories about each other. The more we slow down to listen to each other, the more insight we gain into each other’s values and ways of being, the more we begin to appreciate each other and find balance amidst our differences. And so conflict transformation is really a call to be in greater understanding with one another amidst the complexity of our own being. That is what I am so curious to reflect and be in dialogue with you about.

Rehana:: Absolutely! Yes. I think one of the reasons I gravitated towards facilitation and conflict transformation in the first place was because I grew up in a space where it was ‘my way or the highway’ — there wasn’t much space for finding balance or hearing each other amidst our differences. And I lost myself in it. There was a lot of conflict, and people speaking over each other, and as a little girl, I didn’t feel seen and heard. I felt lost in the shuffle. I needed the conditions of spaciousness and respect for who I was — as a wild and quirky kid with my own ideas- to be myself, and know I would be met with respect and kindness even if there was disagreement.

From this, I emerged as a really strong debater (I still am). A survival skill I learned at home. I used to thrive on political debate, especially in the context of activism, I was so righteous and I wanted to be right. If I didn’t agree, I would find the holes in the other person’s argument rather than being curious to understand and respect another perspective. I understand now (after years of therapy) that being right and being in agreement were wound up with me feeling safe. It’s been a journey over the past 20 years of practicing respect for multiple truths — that different perspectives can co-exist in peace, that I don’t need to try for everyone to agree, and that I am safe even if I disagree with another perspective and if other people disagree with me. I can be curious to understand. It’s a practice at home, with Bloom internally and with our clients, and is part of the conditions we seek to create in organizations — a spaciousness for multiple truths, for nuanced conversations across all the pillars we work in — in building equitable work cultures, in creating conditions for organizational health and in really trying to understand how we can nurture belonging.

While at the same time…. building upon what unites us! Remembering our interdependence, how we are shaped in relationship to one another, and working together upon what we agree to strive towards — our common desires and shared purpose. Being with our diversity and the ways that we are all different and have been treated differently based on social conditioning and structures of power, while being with the ways we are similar and have common dreams is the dance we dance in all our work.

Natty: Yeah, so much richness in what you share. I really appreciate your reflections on your childhood and how that has shaped your approach and work with conflict now. What it brings up for me is an awareness of the ways in which I was raised around addressing conflict. I didn’t really learn skills to be in healthy dialogue around difference and leaned into avoidance instead. Whereas in academic spaces, steeped in normative Western values, I learned the need for a good “argument” and proof of what is right and wrong. These mindsets, which I experience as colonial, create polarization and dichotomies rather than space for multiple truths to exist, as you touch on.

These days, my curiosity rests around how we lean into coming together. How can everyone feel seen and heard around their lived experience and needs? What does caring for myself look like while also caring for you? What are the creative solutions that give everybody enough of what they want? We can choose to move beyond our positionality and back into empathic connection with one another. As Malidoma Somé says, “conflict is the spirit of the relationship asking itself to deepen”. It is through our relationality that we can nurture spaces of deep inclusion where our multiple truths and desires can co-exist. And within that, it is possible for solutions to emerge that allow for conflict to transform.

Again, conflict is a natural process and an inherent part of life. So, how do we switch our entire framework and relationship to conflict — away from “good or bad” and “right or wrong” dichotomies — to one of opportunity for collective learning, creativity and growth? It’s really an invitation for everyone to have more of their mind, heart, body and spirit welcomed — an invitation for greater wholeness for us all.

Rehana: I love that! Conflict is an invitation into greater wholeness! Yes! An invitation for transformation — transforming ourselves, our relationships, and our group dynamics towards more inclusion and resilience for everyone at the table.

And it’s important to acknowledge that moments of rupture and conflict can really bring us to our panic zones, — to a place where our beings feel unsafe, and can react in all kinds of ways — this is where our defenses are triggered — the fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses exist for example, as a way of keeping us safe. Our trauma responses can be triggered. Whether our situation is actually unsafe or we perceive it to be unsafe — in those states, it is difficult to listen fully, and engage in learning or transformation or even to see the person we are in conflict with.. And often we don’t even notice this is happening. How can we become aware of what it feels like in the body to be in the panic zone? What body cues can alert us? I tend to speed things up, and clench my jaw. That’s my cue that I’m beginning to go over the edge. And if I can slow down in that moment to take a breath, relax my jaw, I can see more clearly what I need in order to come back into the stretch zone — the zone where we can listen, learn and engage in a more conscious way with ourselves, with each other. It takes so much practice, it’s so very hard in the moment, and as someone who has struggled with this, I try to practice having compassion for myself and others as we navigate those charged moments. I think becoming more and more curious about what brings us back from panic to stretch — back into a place of exchange, of listening — is so helpful. And I find, time and time again, that it’s in and through the body that I can shift. Whether it’s shaking it out, breathing, sounding, moving, crying, physical touch, lying down — they help me move from one state to the other — rather than feeling stuck in one state. And I think the more we practice moving from panic to stretch, the easier it can become.

Natty: Indeed, people are often coming into conflict spaces activated in a state which makes it harder to be present, listen and consciously respond. This is where I feel compassion and patience are integral values to conflict work. In a moment of my own discomfort, it can be easy to forget that the person across from me may be experiencing a similar discomfort — especially when we feel an ocean apart. It’s the way that “othering” separates us and dehumanizes us from one another. I find it powerful to remember in those moments — I can have compassion toward someone while still feeling my anger or disappointment. There is a beautiful opportunity to be more malleable and increase our capacity to hold different truths, emotions and conscious responses at once.

And, it all takes patience. To engage in conflict transformation can be a long journey and is often an incremental one. Sometimes there are alchemical and powerful moments of opening where people come together and ancient walls can seemingly dissolve. However, much of the time, it is a process that requires us to take it one step at a time. In either case, conflict transformation is a longer, continuous process. It requires tending to and on-going care — much like a garden. It asks us to keep our eyes and ears open and curious, to keep weeding out our assumptions and faulty stories, to keep coming back into dialogue over and over again. Relationships in general require tending to or they can fall into fracture, and so relationships in repair require all the more attention as their connection restores and strengthens.

Ultimately this is the work of the world — restoring a web of relations that has fallen into fracture. The conflict we experience and witness is a mirror of what exists within ourselves. Conflict arises within ourselves personally as our own self-judgements rooted in fear, anger or grief, it expresses itself interpersonally in judgement toward others and replicates itself systemically through systems of separation and oppression. In every tending of a conflict, we’re actually tending to the wider fabric of our being and its unrest — addressing conflict inside-out. I believe this is the larger call ahead of us. How can we meet across our differences and figure out as a human species how to actually collaborate for collective well being — not just our own as humans yet that of the larger web of life that we are embedded within? There is tremendous wisdom that we can rely on from our ancestral traditions and lineages. Practices that are rooted in trust in life’s unfolding, valuing the inherent worth of every being and nurturing the inclusion of all. There is blessed and challenging work ahead of us — it will unfold imperfectly, we will make mistakes and learn from them if we are wise, and inshAllah continues to weave a way forward that embodies our intrinsic unity. Grateful to talk through this with you, and to continue to do so. This is work, I feel, I have to continue coming back to.

Rehana: Yes! As we’ve said, this work is a practice. And one I’m grateful to engage in and live through with you- in dialogue, in our work and in our own relationships.

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Thank you all for reading this article and journeying with us. What struck you while you were reading? Are there certain ideas that have resonated and are rippling? Are there others that feel completely contrary to your lived experience? In either case, wonderful! Our hope is that this dialogue inspires reflection and invites some insight into navigating conflict better, whether that conflict may be with yourself, your loved ones, or your colleagues.

Learning how to conflict better is a steep and humbling learning curve in the nurturance of our relational well-being. It is one that can support us in better navigating the complexities of equity and justice, climate catastrophe and community healing which are so present in our collective experience at this time. We believe that it’s possible, and that it starts with us. If you’d like to learn more about our work with navigating conflict, and find out how we could work together, please visit us at bloomworld.org